College Prep Writing
The following are instructions for a personal essay for a scholarship application. Some parts of the essay reflect spoken English rather than formal written English, and there are grammar errors and problems with clarity. What changes should be made to improve the essay?
Submit a one-page typed essay outlining how you became interested in a nursing career and tell your career goals after graduation. Include a brief background of your volunteer, leadership, and extracurricular activities.
Nursing as My Career
(1) When I was a small child of around 10, my family and me took a vacation in Colorado, where we visited my mother's aunt, who was a nurse. (2) We had to go to the hospital where she worked, and she took time off from her schedule to give us a tour of the hospital, and that experience impressed me. (3) Since then, I have always been interested in nursing.
(4) When I was in high school, I got my second tour of a hospital at an orientation session for volunteers. (5) I volunteered on Saturdays at the hospital where I was born. (6) Visiting patients, and running errands, such as cleaning wheelchairs and helping patients get dressed. (7) My volunteer experience assured me that I was on the right career track.
(8) When I started the nursing curriculum at college, I developed a tutoring system for foreign students in the nursing program who like needed help with their English. (9) I thought that while helping them prepare for a career, I could learn about other cultures and prepare myself for working overseas some day. (10) Because that is one of my ambitions.
(11) Nowadays, my main goal is to become an RN and to work in a hospital and stuff. (12) Whenever I tell friends or acquaintances about my goal, they suggest that I choose a specialty like surgical nursing or anesthetist nursing or pediatric nursing. (13) But I haven't made a choice like that. (14) Not yet.
(15) At this point in time, I'm pretty interested, however, in working for an international aide organization after I graduate, and I have done some research into international organizations that need nurses. (16) My brother was in the Peace Corps, and that possibility interests me. (17) Maybe that experience will lead me to an area of specialty in nursing, and then I'll continue my education.